BEST OF DAILY FAIL
A brief, tongue-in-cheek look at curvy, suggestive and lowkey sexism in the media.
How do women in the public eye take a dip? We asked Instagram account the Daily Fail Online for five lessons on celebs in speedos. Welcome to the Swimwear Special.
1. Beer is For Men, Not Models.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a woman in possession of a pint would actually rather have a sav blanc. So, if her lips must lap the devil’s breastmilk, let it be something dainty. A lemon-topped shandy. A diluted Desperados. A taming berry cider. Just don’t do a Ratajkowski and nurse a sloppy trough of dirty ale. It distracts from your bikini and it puzzles scientists globally on the age-old paradox: a woman enjoying a beer? Witchcraft (or just headline news).
2. It (No Longer) Only Counts If Just You See Nipple.
Anything less than 360 degrees of angled coverage on a celeb bikini body is journalistic sin. Note: breasts must never be referred to in the plural, but be recognised individually for their own geographical attributes (i.e. side- and/or underboob, singular). The fact the owner has a chest at all should preferably lead the article, and be stated with the urgency of nuclear warfare. See The Kousolou Effect paper for more information.
3. Bombshells in Bikinis “Can Do No Wrong”.
Seriously though. In cold-hearted legal terminology they’re untouchable, right?
EMILY RATAJKOWSKI (holding the bloody murder weapon): Officer, I didn’t do it.
POLICE: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in court. Except immediate information on where you got that tankini, young lady! Am I getting River Island vibes? Stunning. Get out of here you.
4. Strapless Ain’t Riskless.
Forget Gladiator. Few Hollywood films depict a battle more bloody, a scuffle more powerful and a plight more affecting than that of Danielle Lloyd’s cleavage vs. the force of gravity. In staggering depth, read details of the altercation below then look out for the signs. Don’t suffer in silence with strapless.
5. Finally, if in Doubt, Boobs.
The public tragedy of 2019 will not be Britain’s farewell wave to the EU, but the death of minimalism. Keep beach accessories sleek, neat and painfully discreet. The tabloids no longer nibble for an understated coral lip. So use media training from Elizabeth Hurley herself when advertising yourself and your swimwear. Don’t want to distract from the neckline? Just add kohl rimmed eyes, an award winning smile and your best tastefully-refined balaclava. Like unexpected home burglary itself, the end look is pure sophistication. In its most dangerous form.
That’s it from us for February. For more scathing satire, and to help you flaunt your pert, toned, peachy and lithe knowledge of celebrity culture, head to @dailyfailonline on Instagram.